Jul 26, 2022 4 min read

“Mean Girls” was a comedy that depicted a teenager’s experience in a public school where she got a quick lesson on the cruel, implicit laws of popularity that divided students into tightly knit cliques. Unfortunately, this scenario is not an anomaly restricted to either kids or schools. Most days it feels like our society is in a negative spiral of meanness and divisiveness that is hurting even our closest personal relationships.

Paradoxically, amidst the ongoing negative news, I’m writing this while looking out a window directly into the beauty of nature and remembering how amazing life can be by reliving positive memories of previous human interactions.

While visiting post-war Bosnia, I connected with war survivors living out of the basements of their blown-up homes who insisted that we share bread and slivovitz with them. Then a trip to Nigeria allowed me to experience the music, food, and happiness with people of little means. Finally, a few years later, I spent a week with my relatives in Italy, some of whom were living on meager government pensions, but they would not let us pay for a single meal.

Then I began reminiscing about times in my own life when things weren’t going so well and weren’t so easy. Those were the times when we really struggled to afford diapers for our kids, a tire for a car, or a part for a washing machine. There were other instances when I personally was facing serious surgeries, layoffs, or termination from work.

During those times, I was often scared, angry, frustrated, disappointed, and resentful. In fact, when I was in my late 20s, I found myself immersed in a negative energy vortex that was beginning to threaten to suck everyone I cared about into that pessimism with me.

If I had looked out this same window in 1975 when my father was dying, or 1992 when my employment was in jeopardy, or 2001 after 9-11, I might not have seen the same beauty that I’m observing today.

Can we allow ourselves to be introspective enough to see the opportunities for positivity that we’re capable of implementing and experiencing? How do we stop acting like a kitten chasing a laser pointer where we are imprudently following each divisive flip of that meaningless red dot? What will it take to begin to refocus away from the negativity and to just enjoy the fun of that chase? That can only happen when we realize that collectively, we are not the enemy.

Ironically, some of the most negative experiences in my life emanated from those who I had tried the most to help. But, like Max, the rescue dog I brought home from the shelter that immediately tried to bite everyone in the house, sometimes we first have to get past our fears.

Yes, some of this acting-out is about survival, but it can also emanate from jealousy, narcissism, and low self-esteem. In hindsight, all these years later, some of the most aggressive mean actors in my life were injured people just trying to get by for their families and themselves.

If anyone asked me what time in my life I’d want to relive, I’d like the energy and stamina of my 30s and the insights of right now because things are finally more clear to me. But for those of us who are still completely lost in divisiveness, hatred, and fear, it is time to scrape the scales from our eyes and realize that life can be as beautiful, amazing, and positive as we allow it to be.

Let’s just stop. Take a breath. Support one another again and begin to send out those positive vibes. Focus instead on what you have, and then work toward what you want, but remember it’s not all about the money. It is, however, about family, friends, and peace of mind.

Nick Jacobs of Windber is a health-care consultant and author of two books.