Jul 9, 2024 By Nick Jacobs 4 min read

In my numerous leadership roles, I’ve worked with many people who are bottom-line-oriented folks. They are the take-no-prisoners kind of people we’ve all been exposed to.

Consider this scenario: “What does this diagnosis mean?” asks the patient. “It means you’re gonna die,” says their bottom-line caregiver whose bedside manner is like that of Attila the Hun.

We don’t need lies, but it helps to blend in some gentle optimism with the realism to soften the harsh truths.

Conversely, when my friend’s lung cancer metastasized, the doctor casually remarked to him, “Don’t worry, it’s just a cough,” followed by a wink to his wife. That was how she learned that her husband’s cancer was back, and the diagnosis was terminal. That approach was a clear case of conflict avoidance, and that technique can be just as destructive.

A good friend, Dr. David Rankel, shared a poignant lesson with me from his first year of medical practice when he informed a congestive heart failure patient, whose condition was irreversible, to prepare for the inevitable so he could start to get his things in order.

Rankel felt that this patient had several months or more to live, but he wanted to prepare him. Unfortunately, his suggestion to the patient for that preparation was devoid of any reassurances. Here’s where the story turns a little dark.

The patient’s wife called the very next morning and told the doctor that her husband had died during the night. David was shocked, saddened, and upset, but he also learned a valuable lesson from that experience. Physicians should choose their words very carefully because their words are powerful.

Another example of the misuse of words happens when dealing with malignant narcissists. Narcissists exploit weaknesses, verbally attacking others to deflect the blame from themselves and avoid introspection.

I recently saw this unattributed quote, “Narcissists know why you are upset, why you won’t speak to them, and how they hurt you. And when you try to explain things to them, it only allows them to bend your words, to confuse you, and bring you back under their control.” Don’t be confused by narcissists. They are what they are.

Another friend provided me with the synopsis of a book that one of her clients is writing in which he studied 100 patients who had complete, spontaneous remissions from terminal illnesses. What he discovered was that none of these remissions were spontaneous. All these patients took sometimes extreme steps to change their lives, their lifestyle, their support systems, and their vision of the future. Not only words, but also ideas and attitudes can transform your life.

Reflecting on my experience in hospice care, more healing took place there than in any other place in the hospital. You must consider the people with whom you interact.

In closing, let me carefully articulate that one of the greatest challenges that I faced in any leadership position was that those with whom I worked often misunderstood kindness. Sometimes it was because they weren’t used to it and didn’t expect it. They often confuse kindness with weakness.

Believe me when I tell you that these two things are not the same. You can be kind while still being self-confident in implementing your beliefs and pursuing your goals, goals that should include having a wonderful life.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross said, “I have never met a person whose greatest need was anything other than real, unconditional love. You can find it in a simple act of kindness toward someone who needs help. There is no mistaking love. It is the common fiber of life, the flame that heats our soul, energizes our spirits, and supplies passion to our lives.”

In leadership and in life, the words we choose matter deeply. They can devastate or console, diminish or empower. Let us use them with care and recognize their potential to shape futures and transform lives.

Nick Jacobs is a Windber resident.