Oct 9, 2013 5 min read

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Kat talks to me from the Washington apartment that she has lived in with her 4-year-old daughter, Isabella, since November. She sounds confident and strong, proud of her new abode, focused on her future, and honored to have been chosen as one of the women who showed enough progress and growth through the Avis Arbor Women Shelter’s Domestic Violence Recovery program to be chosen for the Fresh Start transitional program, which earned her and her daughter their current home.

Kat, who did not want her or her daughter’s real names to be used, will continue to work full time at the local Subway and will will soon begin classes at Community College of Allegheny County, all while caring and providing for her daughter – and remaining free of men and alcohol.

Kat moved here from Eastern Pennsylvania after she completed a rehabilitation program to treat her alcohol addiction. Alcohol, Kat says, was what helped her cope with the domestic violence she had endured for the past four years. She had been beaten physically and scarred emotionally, made to feel that she was worthless and would never amount to anything without her abuser.

She spent the first few years of Isabella’s life in and out of her relationship with Isabella’s father. Numerous times she allowed him to move back in with her and Isabella, believing him when he told her that he had changed and that things would be different. Finally, after realizing that Isabella’s life would never be better if she didn’t make a change, Kat sought help and is on her journey to a new life. Isabella’s father is in jail for breaching her no-contact order and he is not aware of her whereabouts.

Kat feels empowered. She and Isabella will live at their Washington apartment until November 2014 when her two-year Fresh Start program concludes, but she knows that by then, she will be more than ready to independently care for herself and her daughter.

“The fact that no men are allowed on the premises at these apartments is my saving grace,” said Kat. “It has taught me how to find myself and learn who I am without a man and to heal from the self-esteem wounds that he created. It is so crazy how this has all come full circle for me. I couldn’t have healed myself without opening up and finally being honest about my abuse. I couldn’t heal without staying away from relationships while I work on myself.

“I go to therapy twice a week. We sit in a group with a volunteer coordinator and we talk about our self-esteem while our children meet with child advocates to talk about stranger danger and their own self-esteem. I encourage women who are in an abusive situation to first admit that they are in one, and then to reach out to a program like this. Then, you have to stay committed to getting better.”

As October is observed as Domestic Violence Awareness month, Megan Burkardt, shelter coordinator for Domestic Violence Services of Southwestern Pennsylvania, encourages women to take responsibility for their physical and emotional health by getting out of a domestic violence situation as soon as possible.

Burkhardt said there are currently nine women and nine children residing at the 15-bed capacity Avis Arbor women’s shelter in Washington. Some women have been referred to the shelter by the police, hospitals, doctors and other agencies while others have learned about the women’s shelter services through friends, family, or from shelter website.

“We always speak to the victim on the phone before making arrangements for shelter to be certain it is something that she wants to do,” said Burkhardt. “All of the women and children in shelter are there because it was the safest option for them given their circumstances. We never coerce or force anyone to come to the shelter.”

Burkhardt said it is important for domestic violence victims to seek help from their abuser as it can take a toll physically and emotionally.

“The emotional effects of domestic violence can include anxiety, depression, shock, denial, mood swings, difficulty trusting others, loneliness, guilt, shame and fear,” said Burkhardt. “Physical effects can include problems sleeping, nightmares, higher risk of miscarriage and stillborn deliveries, muscle tension, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, unplanned pregnancies, traumatic brain injury, rape, and drug and alcohol abuse, arthritis, chronic neck and back pain, and migraines.”

Women like Kat have a tendency to stay in an abusive relationship with the hope of change and because they feel responsible for what is happening to them.

“By the time a woman contacts the shelter, she is aware, at the very least, that her relationship is unhealthy. Most callers define their relationship as abusive; however, few recognize the extent of the abuse. For example, when physical abuse exists, victims don’t often recognize other behaviors such as isolation, manipulation, and intimidation as abusive,” said Burkhardt. “Further, abusers blame their partners for the abusive behavior. Consequently, many women who contact the shelter believe that they are to blame for the abuse and that they are the ones to blame.”

To remedy domestic violence, Burkhardt said the health care system is playing a vital role in bringing about social and institutional changes to end domestic violence.

Burkhardt cites this quote from the Pennsylvania Department of Welfare July 2010 report of the Pennsylvania Domestic Violence Task Force: “Health care providers are usually the first and sometimes the last contact a victim of domestic violence encounters. Talking with patients about domestic violence provides a valuable opportunity for providers to learn about their experiences with abuse. Battered women report that one of the most important aspects of their interactions with a physician was being listened to about the abuse.”