May 16, 2016 4 min read

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“One last question,” she asked after we had discussed insurance benefits, the intake process, the necessary paperwork, and had scheduled the appointment for her teenage son. “How do we get him to come?”

I sighed on the other end of the phone. “I really don’t know,” I confessed.

That’s the “Million Dollar Question” in mental health services: how do we get someone to get help if they don’t want to come to treatment? I am no longer surprised when parents of adolescents ask that question–just as I am no longer surprised when sessions are cancelled at the last minute by frustrated parents calling to tell us that their child is refusing to come to the appointment.

How do you get someone to want to get help?

Of course, parents can (and do!) threaten to take away phone or friend privileges; they talk about how disappointed they will be if their child refuses treatment. I’ve seen parents try to bribe their children to come to therapy. In the end, though, if the kid doesn’t want to come, they simply aren’t going to come to counseling or, in some cases, they come to the sessions but refuse to interact or even speak to the counselor.

It’s not just parents of teens. Spouses, girlfriends, boyfriends, siblings, parents of adult children: people in loving relationships know the frustration and grief of wanting the person they love to get help when that person just won’t. Often, loved ones reach out to us in the hope that we can collaborate with them in the care of their relative or partner, and we have to explain that HIPAA and other statutes prevent us from confirming or denying that we even know who their loved one is.

As a professional counselor, I, too, am occasionally frustrated by aspects of privacy laws that, though well-intentioned and necessary to ensure some vital protections, often prevent us from collaborating with primary supports (familial, professional, community, etc.) because the person receiving treatment has withheld consent for us to exchange information.

Sometimes, neither the promise of heaven nor the fear of hell will get someone into treatment. Whenever someone completes suicide, it is natural for that person’s loved ones to look back and wish that they’d done or said more to encourage their departed to seek help. The sad reality, of course, is that you can’t make someone get help if they don’t want it. A more grim reality is that sometimes, even people receiving mental health treatment commit suicide. How do you get someone to want to stay when they have grown tired of life?

When you love someone who you believe is struggling with a mental health issue, don’t threaten or try to cajole them into treatment. Talk to them about how important you believe that it is for them. Be honest about how you believe treatment could help your relationship with them. Tell them about the benefits of treatment, and site specific instances of people you may know who benefited from counseling.

Try Googling “Famous people who have had counseling,” and you’ll start to see articles and lists of authors, athletes, and actors who talk about their positive experiences in treatment; maybe you’ll find someone that your loved one respects or admires.

Often, just agreeing to go once or twice is enough to de-mystify treatment or to get someone comfortable with the thought of participating in services. Sometimes people come and say, “Well, that wasn’t so bad.” There is nothing wrong about going to therapy. Perhaps your loved one will agree to go twice, and if they absolutely hate it, you won’t bring it up again for a certain amount of time (three months, six months)–but not “ever again.”

“The instant I jumped,” said Kevin Hines, one of the few people ever to survive leaping from the Golden Gate Bridge, “I regretted it.” Miraculously, he received a second chance at life. Too many people don’t, and they are lost forever to the “what-if” and “if-only” thinking of their grieved survivors. If you are contemplating suicide, please get help before it’s too late.

You are not alone.

If you are the loved one of someone lost to suicide, know that you are not alone, either, and that even professionals in the field of mental health treatment can’t make someone want to get help. Don’t blame yourself.