Dec 6, 2017 5 min read

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The holiday season is supposed to be one of merriment and joy. Of smiles, gift giving, and laughter, of memories of holidays past and enjoying life in the present moment. But for many who are coping with the loss of a loved one, the holidays can interfere with feelings of sadness, grief and even dread.

“It’s typical for people to express a wide range of emotions in dealing with loss over the holidays, from extreme sadness to shock and anger over their loss,” says Melinda S. Millan, MSEd., NCC, LPC, Relationship Resolutions in Canonsburg. “Often, people will feel alone in their pain, that others don’t understand how they feel, and that they don’t want to impose or ‘ruin’ the holidays for their friends or other family members. If the loss was sudden or traumatic, they may be working through shock and confusion over how their life has been dramatically altered. Grieving individuals can feel abandoned by not being able to attend certain social gatherings without their loved one present, or even anger and jealousy in seeing others who are interacting with their loved ones who fill the same family role as their loved one who is now gone – such as a mother, father, child or spouse.”

To get through the holidays while coping with these feelings of grief, Millan suggests that the first step be for the person to acknowledge their feelings and what they truly need.

“It’s important to remember that everyone grieves differently. Some individuals want to keep all holiday traditions the exact same as when their loved one was alive, and others who are grieving can’t stand to participate in those same traditions without their loved one present.”

Millan also stresses that the grieving individual do what they feel is best to get through the holidays. For example, if they need to cry, they should cry. Or, if they need to skip a holiday party, they should not feel guilty about missing it. If they want to share fun memories of times they spent with their loved one, they should feel able to pick up the phone and call a friend to talk.

“And if you are the friend that person calls, talk to them,” Millan advises. “Let them know you care and remember their loved one, too. Remind them that their grief is a testament to their love. Don’t minimize their grief or pretend like everything is okay. Do something nice for them, like a random act of kindness. Talk to them about fond memories you have of their loved one and how that person positively impacted your life. Ask them how they are doing, check in with them often, and remind them to love themselves and to pamper themselves a little bit to relieve stress of both the holidays and the grief. Remind them of their own strengths and positive qualities, their positive impact on those around them and the world.”

The good news in dealing with loss during the holidays is that there are productive ways individuals can spend their time to help them cope and take their mind off of their grief. Millan says that engaging in exercise or an enjoyable physical activity, restorative yoga, meditation, volunteering, crafting, getting together with friends or listening to music all can help make the day a bit easier to get through. And, knowing that the grieving will get easier with time also helps.

“The intensity of the pain of grief lessens over time, and the waves of sadness become less frequent,” she says. “They will always have moments when they miss their loved one and wish they were present for milestones and support, but they eventually will be able to smile and laugh again, and the fog of grief will begin to lift as they adjust to their new way of life.”

However, if the grief gets to be too overwhelming – if the person has difficulty returning to work, caring for their children or tending to their own basic needs, or if they are sleeping less than five hours or more than 10 hours at night or have crying spells that do not alleviate over time – it may be worthwhile to seek professional help with a therapist. If they need to seek immediate help, they can call the Resolve Crisis Network in Allegheny County at 1-888-796-8226 or The Washington County Crisis Line at 1-877-225-3567, or go to the nearest emergency room.

“Additionally, one of the most well-known approaches to working toward healing from grief is understanding Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ model ‘The Five Stages of Grief,'” Millan says. “The stages are denial, anger, bargaining (with God, fate, or higher powers), depression and acceptance. Know that if you are experiencing grief, you may bounce around between these stages, and some stages may be more intense than others, but they are all typical and normal to experience.” n