Dec 1, 2023 5 min read

By Dave Bates

For the Observer-Reporter

newsroom@observer-reporter.com

Early in June, begin by placing copies of the Sears and Roebuck “Wish Book Catalog” about the house in conspicuously obvious locations that cannot be ignored. Circle, in red ballpoint pen the item in question. Maybe circle two or three items on the page just to make sure they are seeing what you’re signaling. Cross out a couple of items, adding notations like “too expensive.”

What’s that you say? Oh, yeah. You’re right. This is not 1974.

Well, it worked once upon a time when I was trying to obtain my first .22 rifle, although it took a couple of years prodding before my folks finally gave in. Four to be exact. Twelve was the age when I recall a young man was considered to have reached the appropriate age for firearm ownership around our house.

Cousin Jim was working in the sporting goods department of J.C. Penny’s and he got a substantial discount by buying it for us. I believe the price was something like $45 for a Marlin Glenfield with a scope, rings and swivels. Sling not included. It took four consecutive years of Wishbooks before the mission was accomplished.

Thefolloowing are some of my proven go-to strategies. I hope they are as effective for you as they have been for me.

One – The Insertion/Repetition. Find a way to introduce your intended present into a natural conversational setting. Let’s say you and the Mrs. are talking about purses. I don’t know about you but I rarely find myself talking about purses. On the other hand, this is a great way to slip in an important line. As wifey mentions the latest, greatest handbag, you counter with, “Oh, that’s a beautiful shade of brown, almost the same shade as the gun stock of the Ruger No. 1 that I have been wanting, forever. Bring this up as often as necessary in order to get your point across. Caution: Do not reference her eye color in regards to the stock if she possesses blue eyes. Beware, more than seven or eight mentions of gun stock coloration and shade might become blatantly obvious as well as pathetic.

Two – The Bait and Switch. Talk at length about how nice you were thinking it would be to start shooting together. Casually mention that it will be necessary to purchase a pair of similar weapons as your stock measurements differ from hers, being that she is a petite, slightly built lady. Then begin doling out the approximate cost of the weapon, ammunition, stock fitting, postage, accessories, etc., etc. When she mentions that this seems a rather expensive pursuit, agree immediately and assure her that her idea of saving money on only one gun is probably the wiser idea. In the name of unselfish love, you’d be more than happy to share with her. With any luck, she won’t enjoy shooting.

Three – The Poor Mouth. From the get go, let your life partner know that you don’t mind looking like a hobo when you go out in public dressed in rags. Make her understand that new siding for the house is much more important than another barn coat that you are eyeing up online. The conversation will usually take a turn at this point and you’ll need to be ready for the circuitous route. The idea is to self-deprecate. Begin wearing your most tattered field coat to church, funerals and weddings. Ask her to stop by the Salvation Army Store so you can take a quick look for a “new” coat. Find one even more hideous than the one you’re wearing and toss your old one into the back seat. Obviously, you will retrieve the old favorite at a time in the future when she is not looking. If this plan fails, you’re no worse off than you were when you started.

Wear the new coat to all of her family gatherings. It is best if the new coat is a couple of sizes too big and already has some frayed sleeve edges, cigar burn holes, etc. Share the great bargain with anyone within earshot. The idea is that any coat you buy at this point will be better than the one you are wearing.

Four – Postal Pretender. Send yourself the gift you want in the mail. I don’t mean Amazon. Anonymous admirers are always good. They create a mystery and lend intrigue. A gift from strangers who were experiencing car problems that you helped along the way by being a Good Samaritan can work. Maybe pretend to have won some sort of contest for being a great husband? The possibilities are endless. It helps if you have a friend from out of town who owns a business and can make your parcel look official.

Five – The Head On Collision. Buy your wife a reloading press. If she is angry, then smack your forehead and say you knew you should have gone with the blender. If she likes the 12-gauge reloader for Christmas then you know she’ll love the matching 20-gauge loader she’ll be receiving for your anniversary. And if you can teach her to enjoy reloading you have struck pure gold.

Merry Christmas, my friends.

Dave Bates writes a weekly outdoors column for the Observer-Reporter. He can be reached at alphaomegashootingsolutions@gmail.com