Mar 7, 2024 3 min read

Q. I recently went to my first funeral. I honestly didn’t know what to expect. The rituals seemed bizarre to me. Everyone stood around. Most people filed past the immediate family offering condolences. I mumbled something and got away from the casket as fast as I could. Is there such a thing as funeral etiquette? What should I have said? No one prepared me for the experience, and I felt awkward. Thanks. – 17-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: Yes, funerals can feel bizarre. I’ve attended many as a peds oncology and hospice nurse. When I cared for a person in their last days, I often followed up by attending the funeral. I also had the advantage of being mentored by my mother, who was an amazing teacher. My mother understood that a child hears/notices what’s happening around them and is curious.

To make my experiences with death easier, my mother purposefully took me to family funerals. She prepared me prior to our arrival. She told me what I would see and hear. She practiced what to say. She guided me through the experience and processed it with me afterwards.

I then learned the concept of holding space while a birth doula and as a young nurse. Holding space means we offer our presence to those who need comfort. Words are not always needed; spending time in silence with someone who is grieving can be a great gift.

Along with holding space – spending supportive time with someone who is mourning – a sincere, “I’m sorry for your loss,” is helpful. Adding words to validate grief may comfort, “Your father was a wonderful man. He will be missed.” If your belief system includes prayer, a sincere offer to hold those who are mourning in prayer may be appreciated.

One of our guidelines at our Common Ground Teen Center is Power of Words. Our teen attendees say, “We use words to lift people up, not bring them down.” Filter your words to show kindness, compassion, and respect. Then, listen to hear, not to respond. Be attentive. Be aware of your body language. Lean in, but do not enter personal space unless the mourner makes the first move to hug.

What not to say is as important as what to say. Do not offer platitudes. Telling a grieving person their loved one is “in a better place” may be appealing to religious beliefs, but the sting of absence is not eased. No matter what a person’s belief or faith, mourning a loss is human.

My opinion on funerals is they are for the living, not the dead. The rituals provide comfort for many people. Every culture has their own way of dealing with death. American culture does not typically teach children about death, however, as if a child is too young to have questions or be troubled by the loss of a loved one.

I wrote “Nonnie Talks about Death,” one of the 12 books in my Nonnie Series for children in grades three to eight, and adults, to offer interactive parent/child education on this often-avoided topic. The book is available at http://bit.ly/NonnieDeath.

Thank you for your mature questions.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.