Feb 15, 2024 3 min read

Q. Our son is a good kid. Something happened and we want to handle it right. We have an alert on our online system, and it flagged a site our 13-year-old visited. It wasn’t videos or extreme images, but he did view topless women. We’ve talked with him all along instead of doing a “sex talk.” We want to manage this incident without shame. We understand he’s going through puberty. We want to encourage respect for women and for himself. Any suggestions? – Parents of 13-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: Your question made my heart sing! You are great parents.

You’ve done the right thing by talking with him about sexuality gradually and with respect. Communication about sexual health should be an ongoing connection between parents and young people. If we start by matter-of-factly and accurately naming body parts when children are toddlers, move gently to explaining how babies are made and responding to the things children hear at school as they progress to elementary school, and prepare them for puberty and early relationship challenges as they enter middle school, we create a lifelong openness that will empower them to respect and honor themselves and others.

You have a foundation for the conversation you need now.

You are right to avoid shame. Bring up the alert calmly. Give him a chance to share his feelings. Encouraging respect for women and for himself is an outstanding goal and shame/fear will not lead to it. Shame leads to sneaky behavior; he may end up watching pornographic videos with a friend or on his own as he grows older. Now is the time to set guidelines.

Explain key points about viewing sexual images or videos:

Teach respect. Stress that the body is an amazing part of being human and should be respected. Explain your values.

Explain consent. Did the person whose image he viewed give consent?

Make it real. What if the image was of a peer from school? If such a pic was shared among friends, what is his role? Explain doing the right thing.

Empower. You want him to have a sexually healthy relationship as an adult. Explain that pornography is unrealistic. Many boys his age worry about their bodies after viewing porn. Tell him each person’s body is different, and he should not compare his with anyone else’s. Remind him there are no relationships in porn – no conversations about the consequences of sex, like unplanned pregnancy, and no human connection. Porn is not sex ed.

Model. As parents, we need to set an example of a healthy relationship. Discuss life. There is more to connecting with a partner than sex. Love and sex can be different. What is lust? What are respectful ways to respond to how the body changes during puberty?

One of the books in my Nonnie Series deals with sexuality. “Nonnie Talks about Sex” is available at http://bit.ly/NonnieSex. As with all my Nonnie books, “Nonnie Talks about Sex” is meant to be read with a parent or trusted adult. It is written in small chapters for easy reading and includes conversation starters. I recommend you check it out before you read it with your son to add your personal values. The book is based on Dr. Dennis Dailey’s Circle of Sexuality, and covers five areas of sexuality, including intimacy and reproduction.

I have confidence you and your son are on the way to excellent communication about vital topics. Enjoy his teen years.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.