Jun 10, 2024 3 min read

For the next several months, you will find me outside. Please don’t ask me to do anything indoors until mid-October. If you need me, you will find me standing in direct sunlight and soaking it up.

I’m convinced I’m solar-powered like an AM/FM portable radio. Like the solar-powered AM/FM portable radio. I can also be hand-cranked.

If I seem sluggish, stick me on an Adirondack chair on the porch and point me toward the sun. I’ll perk back up.

Invite me to your pool parties, your barbecues, and your picnics on the lawn. I’ll bring a healthy snack.

Side note: You don’t get a lot of invitations when you offer to bring a healthy snack. People want unhealthy snacks – the unhealthier the better, like nachos or cake. No one has ever jumped for joy at the sight of yogurt-covered raisins or a cold broccoli salad, but we all scream for ice cream.

But I digress, like I do. If the temperature is above 75 degrees, you will find me by the pool. If it’s above 80 degrees, I’ll be in it. I don’t know when to come in from the heat.

Once upon a time in Palm Springs, California, I swam around in a hotel pool in temperatures above 100. When I jumped out of the pool to check the time, my cellphone had melted. The screen went all lava-lampy.

On the list of things I never want to do again, “shopping for a new phone on vacation” is near the top of the list. It’s next to skydiving but below a root canal.

Now, my friends know not to ask me to go to the movies on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. If I get two sunny days on the weekend, I’m not going to waste them indoors. I used to be astonished when they asked. I launch into my soapbox speech. I will shout, “We live in Pittsburgh! How often do we get to see that bright-yellow ball in the sky? Not often! Go outside! Live!”

I love parking in front of the sun. I may be a lizard person, or, possibly, a rattlesnake that thinks it’s a man. If you hear me rattling as I approach, it’s only because I have too many keys in the pockets of my loose-fitting slacks.

Every year I burn the top of my head because I forget that I no longer have a protective layer of hair up there. I’ve singed my brain. I pull out the sunscreen and slather my scalp afterward. Hindsight is 20-20.

By August, I might become the human equivalent of a walking, talking piece of Beef Jerky.

I want to be a sunflower. Did you know that sunflowers follow the path of the sun? When it’s cloudy and gray, sunflowers face each other to share their energy. There’s a metaphor in there. If you’re feeling sluggish on a cloudy day, face me. We can bring each other the light we need.